Trust in each step you take...

I believe all things in life are created for a reason.. Or at least that was how I was raised and brought up to believe in... My faith has never steered me in the wrong direction, even in my toughest times... This is something I continue to tell my self as I take my journey here in Moldova..

These past couple of weeks have been heart-aching, frustrating, rewarding, and every other emotion across the board.. Reality is I have yet to know why I am in Moldova. Days go by and sometimes I get a glimpse of why I am here, and a tug of my heart to let me know I am alive and well.. However, I am beginning to wonder when does it become clear?

Before I came to Moldova I was living what I would call a perfect life... at least for me... Working three jobs: 1. Drug Counselor, 2. Kickboxing Instructor, 3. Waitress. While at the same time having my own place, my own car, my friends and family.. and yes of course a boyfriend...(for a while at least).  This life brought me frustrations in its own, most of them I created for myself, others I truly believe are what kept me growing.. As I was going through my daily life, I kept believing in my heart that something was truly missing, and really I can't even pinpoint what that was at this moment. Over a year ago when I signed up for Peace Corps I truly believed that I hadn't given enough to the world in which I lived in, and I needed to give more of myself to make me happy... In reality I think I was just trying to create happiness within myself, and helping others doesn't always fulfill that need... Because honestly it can cause more stress then good sometimes..

As I am sitting on my bed here in Moldova at 12:03am in the morning my mind is blank, tears are swelling behind my eyes, my heart feels as if it doesn't want to beat any longer... Really I can't describe why I feel this way, or what I should do next... However I had this feeling before... It was around the exact same time, when I went to the mail box after a night out with my best friend Sarah.. We had enjoyed sushi at our favorite place "Taki," martinis, and a night out at Mickeys... As the night ended I drove home in my car anticipating my letter from Peace Corps would be awaiting me, the letter I had been waiting for.. the letter that took almost a year to come.... As I rushed to the mail box, scrambling through each letter.. I finally had it, the letter I had been waiting for.. I couldn't wait to open it, couldn't wait to find out my destiny, my happiness, my fate... As I began to read: Dear Ms. Frits, I am sorry to inform you but you have been placed on medical hold for one year, due to your information that you had provided to us.... My heart stopped, I couldn't breath, the only thing I could do was cry... I reached for my phone, called my best friend Sarah... and did nothing but sob to my friend for over an hour.. I felt like my life was ruined, I never had been more ashamed of myself in all of my life..

As I sit here today and wonder why I had those feeling of shame.... I have found the answer... Each struggle that has came into my life.. every disapointment.. I have always overcame everything and proven everyone wrong.. Why?? Because I am stubborn, and I have always felt let down by others, and with not getting into Peace Corps I felt like I was letting down my family.. That my family would be ashamed of me, because I couldn't have something I wanted so bad... It was my first time I was truly facing failure, the first time I was not able to get what I wanted...

Of course what did I do?? I fought... fought like hell, and I won! As Peace Corps told me over the phone its very unlikely that you can get us to change our minds, but you can sure try... I took that as a challenge, and I went above and beyond... I knew in my heart that anything I set my mind too, could be accomplished, and I knew I had to get rid of this heartaching feeling.. This feeling that was destroying me.. It was too the point that my roommate at the time "Bryan," would say to me.. "Jamie your not yourself, and I don't like it." You need to find something that will make you happy again...

But now that I have what I thought I wanted.. What I thought would make me happy... And in reality has done nothing but disappoint me.. give me bad self-esteem, and bad health... I am lost, and I can't believe "I, Jamie Frits, am saying this to the whole world right now." But my heart hurts again, it feels like it has stopped beating, I am so unhappy... I have always been a very motivated young woman, that wanted to work, to the point that I worked three jobs just for fun and averaged four hours of sleep a night, and I never cared! And now its hard for me to get to work for four hours a day.. I find that quite pathetic of myself...

As for my self-esteem I always felt like a pretty awesome person back home, many people respected me, told me I encouraged them on a daily basis.. and in my village what I get most days... well I get called fat, and told I shouldn't eat....  Or I get a man walking up to me saying "What your an American.. GROSS... as he grabs me, and says this is exactly what I mean, your fat and disgusting, just like all Americans.." I have never felt more ashamed of myself, and the normal response I would of had when I had true confidence, I could of stood up for myself, thinking I should really show this man who I was as a person, but all I could say is I am happy to be an American, and in reality I could talk about Moldova with you, but I won't and walked away...

Beyond that I get to experience my host mom and host sister crying and confronting me about moving out with another host family, when in reality I never asked for that.. All I want is to live on my own and be healthy.. Then it turns into my host mom telling me she needs more money from me, more then I have in my budget, and giving me a guilt trip saying that she turned down a young boy to live with her for me... and now I want to live on my own... I don't even have word to describe how that felt...  At the same time I am getting mixed feelings from my host sister saying "Jamie your the most encouraging, happy, smart, interesting, motivating young woman I have ever met... And this is where the confusion falls into place."

I feel as if I am an outcast.. I don't belong here.. But yet I am stubborn and feel as if I am supposed to be here, if I am supposed to help out in some shape or form. Yet, I have no proof, I have no clearance, I have no safe zone, and especially I have no motivation or self-esteem.. "I want to be me again.."

And with wanting to me again.. I am hearing the same voices.. the same words.. "Jamie you are not yourself, and you need to find what makes you happy."

Something lead me to this journey... my heart drove me to Moldova... my own feet walked through each challenge to get here, and now I am doubting myself... Was this impulsive? What this a mistake? Or was this God's way of showing me a new light, in which I have not found yet..

Trust in each step you take... whether its only a few forward, I have to know that in the four months I have been here, I have changed, maybe not for the better, but this is and was a learning experience for me and I have to TRUST that it will lead me to the next step to happiness..