Lost in the quicksand...

My new friends!!

As I lay here tonight... barely keeping my eyes open.. There is this bitter taste in my mouth that reminds me of the necessary words that need to pour out of my mouth.. These are those words:

Today is surreal, today is the truth.. Today is the example of all things that are possible.. With-in a new country, with-in your heart, and most importantly with-in friendship..

As I began my last week here in Stauceni reality set it and everything soon become focused.. I realized that reality once again would be sweeping in front of my face letting me know that it’s time for change, time for fear, and time for excitement..  As we all know Peace Corps is about change…. We also know there is only so much that a human mind can absorb and handle at one time.. 

With the time that I have had in Stauceni I have gained new found friendships, a wonderful family and a growth in my heart that will last a lifetime... At the same time the surreal aspect of this adventure is I have had the same friends in my life for many years, some of them for 18, others around 7... To now discuss intimate thoughts, heartaches, fears, excitements, and struggles with new people has been an adventure... some disappointments, some wonders, and overall reality within it self that lets me know that the world is forever changing and that I can be happy where ever I am...

However as the hours count down... reality sets in... I recognize that tomorrow.. Tomorrow I will be an official Peace Corps Volunteer.. My heart pounds... my head stirs.. and I ask myself... Am I ready.??.

Am I ready for this true commitment.. ? Or should I give up now and go home to my perfect life, in a perfect home, with no challenges like the ones I have endured here...

I laugh at myself for even having those thoughts.... However, they were there and that’s reality... But what is my true desire... My desire is to swear in tomorrow as a volunteer... Do great things! And accomplish amazing goals within Moldova!!

................Until Tomorrow.............

My eyes open... my heart races... today is the day.. 

Today I have to leave my beloved Moldovan family.. The people who have taken me in as their own, their new daughter.. sister and granddaughter... The tears start to flow and my heart starts to ache as I prepare myself for the biggest step in my life...

My host father Peter and his god son Sasha.

Memories reminisce through my head of the night before.. Watching my host family open the gifts that I got for them.. Watching the happiness in their eyes and the love in their hearts. I can’t do anything but smile and be happy about the time I had with the wonderful "Titco Family." The smile on Nichole's face every time I am around, the funny jokes from Katya every day, the hospitality and loving heart of my host mother Caroline... and the many eventful nights with lots of laughter and jokes with my host father Peter... I couldn't be more lucky to of met these wonderful people...

My host sister and great friend Katya!

Yet as I prepare myself for a new family I feel myself sinking in the sand in which I created.. I chose this for myself, but at the same time I find myself sinking so deep into the quick sand that wants to drag me under with each new challenging experience.. Thoughts fill my mind.... Will I like my new family? Will they like me?? Will it be a good experience?? Will I make it the two years with them??

This is where a person.. myself.. has to dig deep, dig quickly, try to breath.. knowing that this may be my last chance of success, knowing that giving up brings nothing but a bad bitter taste to my mouth... 

As the day goes on and I stand on the stage in front of Peace Corps officials.. raising my right hand... swearing in my oath.. the same oath that the President of the US took the day he had to swear in to lead our country.. My eyes fill up with tears and all negative thoughts leave my mind... This is what I am here for…  I have been giving the change to extend the love that I was blessed with in my heart for others..  What a wonderful feeling...

My host mom and partner enter the room.. my heart begins to race again.. knowing these two people will be a huge part of my life for the next two years.. My work partner Valeria enters with a huge smile and a loving heart, I feel connected… My host mom also enters with a smile, however I struggle to feel the connection.. but recognize within my self that I want to feel that with her and in time this may come true.. This is my reality on this day…

My Partner Valeria

I ask my self why I share my deepest thoughts for others to read, the struggles I have within myself and with others… And the answer for me is the most important people in my life already know I have these thoughts and I recognize that ALL of you that are reading this blog are important in my life and I want to thank you for helping me get to the point of being able to share my feelings on this evening.. To be able to of made it officially 2 months today in Peace Corps!! Words won’t ever express the happiness I feel..

My life is a quick sand.. constantly changing.. taking me in further… sometimes I can’t breath, others times I can grasp small amounts.. I thank my savior for the small amounts of air that I have been served, because look at where I am today… life is hard to determine, but know matter what we are served… any person can be successful…