There are many things that I have taken for granted in my life and never realized until this point... From morning to night my life in America was mine, filled with my choices, my freedom, and essentially only the things that made me happy...
As for Moldova every day is a new journey where I get to experience new frustrations all over again. How I have recently described my feelings to friends and loved ones is that of a person whom is in high-school all over again.
To understand the feeling of uncomfort one has to experience this type of adventure.. To move in with two different families in such a short amount of time, and slowly adhere oneself to unknown peoples likes and dislikes, faults and admirations... This has been the most difficult for me...
To the people I am close to I am a very open person will always share my deepest darkest secrets. With these people I don't mind sharing what I did the night before, what man I talked to, who I like or have a crush on, or how I am feeling towards a person... However here in Moldova I feel like I can't be myself... I constantly have to talk about things I don't necessarily feel comfortable with, and knowing that if I open my mouth to anything, several people, including my whole host family will know the next day of my adventures, feelings, and overall every move... So the true question is...
When does my life become my own again? When can I feel like I am a human being, verses "the American."
The technicalities of my life are very difficult to understand unless you are a patient person who can move around my tedious manner.. An example of this is my drive for work.. My whole life I have had several jobs, and would work at least 15-20 hour days... seven days a week..This is normal for me and this is what made me feel whole and comfortable with myself.... I always believed that the things I wanted in life I needed to work for myself, and I hated asking anyone for anything... Moldova has challenged me with this and needless to say my mind is in a war zone, and I could explode at any minute...
To describe this adventure I will try to create my work day here in Moldova.. Daily I walk thirty minutes to work around the 9:00 hour... As I arrive I usually see around five children at the center playing board games, making bracelets, or drawing... With this I usually find my co-workers painting their finger nails, talking, or they are on the computer.. My work day seems forever, and its only four hours... Four hours of endless hell... Four hours where I sit and drink coffee, and accomplish literally nothing.. Most volunteers tell me this is normal, this will pass, it takes time to build credibility, build language, and overall respect to do work..... I so so so want to hear what my fellow volunteers tell me, but my mind is screaming, its screaming at me to get out, to find work, to do something that makes me feel of worth... But day by day for the past two weeks.. I have done nothing... The question that lingers in my mind is "How will I find work?" And how can I regain my sanity with out my my overwhelming work days that made me feel of worth...
Most people may laugh when they read this blog, most may say why is Jamie a volunteer... But like I said the people who are patient and know me as a person understand why I am here.. But on the contrast I reach out for people every day to find the guidance that I need here in Moldova... God has led me here for a reason.. to make an impact in one form or another... Patience is the key and the light to my path.. Setting small goals for myself, giving myself credit, and most of all recognizing the power within myself for even reaching this point in my life... Which is a light that I have begun to discover, and always a voice that has been haunting me for years.. Many of my friends and family have constantly told me I am to busy, I work to much, and I NEVER SLOW DOWN... Well Moldova has actually made me see what they were talking about.. and I can truly say I hate a slow paced lifestyle..
There are alot of people who couldn't possibly live like volunteers do in Moldova.. Living in a new family, around new people, not knowing the language.. not having cable t.v, a car, fast food, work out facilities.. etc... But some how, some way I am doing it.. Already its been near three months since I left the states.. most days feels like three years.. But already I can see myself changing and I can feel the impact that Peace Corps has placed on my life.. no matter if I hate some of the days I exist here...
However, I believe there is a fine line of reality that one can deal with.. For me as a human my heart lies with helping others, and for the past six years this is all I have done.. Helping others with their substance abuse problems... Again Moldova has challenged me to the point of explosion. Every day I see numerous drunk people wandering the streets of my village.. Drunker then I have ever seen in my life.. Yet with this experience I have kept moving forward.. It wasn't until the day that I saw a ten month old baby drinking alcohol that my mouth dropped, my heart wrenched and ached and screamed and WANTED OUT... Tears could fill my eyes every day for the children in Moldova and inability to recognize what their parents are doing to their minds, body and soul at such a young age.. There are many things I want to do with my time in Moldova and helping people with alcoholism is one of them, but seriously where do I begin.. The destruction is already done.. the mindset of the majority of Moldovans is made up.. and yet my heart and soul is not in sync with theirs... I need some guidance...
As I speak of these things that I truly feel passionate about I want people to understand that I don't say these things because Moldova is a bad place, a bad country and has bad people... Because I feel the exact opposite, Moldova has wonderful people, is a beautiful country, and is a place that I will forever remember... I more so speak of these things because they have affected me to the point of exhaustion.. It hurts every day to think about the experiences that I have seen here in Moldova.. It hurts that I can't help each individual right now and make an impact on the children that need help so badly.. And overall I believe it hurts me because my life in Moldova doesn't feel like its my own... Its not my own because I don't have a say anymore in my life(or as I feel), every day I am surrounded by something I utterly hate(people supporting alcoholism), and overall because I am not understood amongst my community and won't be for a very long time....
Time is the keeper of all things we have in life.. For me today my heart is tugging at me saying "you don't have much time left.." But as reality we all know that we have time.. time to make a difference... time to grow.. and overall time to impact self and others.... Remember every day we need to create our own happiness and our own path that leads us to this place.. Today this path was hard for me, however my friends, loved ones, and my savior has led me down the correct path several times and I have faith it will arrive again...
http://en.rian.ru/health/20110218/162664925.html
Please check out this site- About Moldova and alcoholism and why I want to help!
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